I Know Your Pain

I'm getting ready for bed and was just thinking of all of the parents out there who are so deathly afraid for their kids tonight.  I want to say that I'm thinking of you and I know your pain, just as you know mine.  While things are going well here at the moment, it's been five years in the making.  And still, it's scary because the horrible past is still so close at hand. 

Like you, I doubt that anyone can know the pain of a parent who's child is addicted to heroin except another parent in that position.  I am appalled when I hear the statistics of kids who are in middle school and high school trying it and becoming addicted.  I wonder what kind of world we're living in when something like this even exists. 

I don't have any answers to any of it.  It's still hard to wrap my mind around.  To me, heroin was something that the Rolling Stones did.  I never thought it was something that was in my town or my neighborhood, much less my house.  It was supposed to be expensive and out of reach of the average person.  You know, though, and I know that that is not the reality.

Fortunately, in my community, it's getting a lot of attention.  There are feature stories in the newspaper and on the news.  The media here is trying to make parents aware.  I was totally blindsided by this.  I never even saw it coming.  I always worried about my son and imagined who knows what might befall him, but one thing that never crossed my mind was heroin.  It's still hard for me to even say the word sometimes.

I'll never forget the first time he told me he'd been doing it.  He told me he did it every few weeks, etc.  It was a lie, of course, but I didn't know the truth and I didn't understand like I understand now.  I'll never forget how sick I felt.  It was like someone had punched me in the stomach.  He just seemed so vulnerable.  I sat up half the night that night in the living room, not far from his bedroom door.  I was just so terrified and wanted to protect him.  It might have been five years ago, but in my memory, it's just like yesterday.

At any rate, everyone's path is different and how I've handled all of this is probably different than how you will.  On the other hand, I bet most parents of kids on heroin do a lot of the same things.  We're all groping through the dark, scared, hopeful, looking for answers and praying for miracles.  Tonight, I'm thinking of all of you.

So Many Changes

So many changes are happening at our house right now.  My son's been out of jail since Thursday.  It's hard in some ways because I feel that he's a bit traumatized by the whole experience.  Of course that makes me sad for him, but at the same time, it's like he's been changed by the experience and that's a good thing.

Tonight he reconnected with a good friend who's always tried to be there for him.  This boy never did heroin.  He's always been willing to be a friend to my son but would usually fade out of his life when he was in the midst of his worst times of addiction.  I'm really glad to see them back together.  More evidence of God's involvement in this situation: 

The friend was able to stop smoking pot about six weeks ago.  I know that he struggled with that and my son kind of felt that maybe he couldn't be around him because he's determined to be drug free.  So, it was a really nice thing when they talked on the phone tonight and found that neither of them wants to be involved in drugs in any way.  What a blessing!

I'm still wore out.  I'm hurting a lot physically because all of the stress in this situation has really aggravated my fibromyalgia.  Still, I'm just doing what I can as I can and probably need to learn from all of this to rest more and take better care of myself.  We're all learning new things here.

My son spoke via text message to the ex-girlfriend that he was with when he got arrested.  She's a real piece of work.  Once again, she was the one who was the experienced thief.  As many problems as I've felt my son has, she has more.  When I asked him if she expressed any sympathy or sorrow that he was stuck in jail for 11 days while she got bailed out that night, he said nope.  She apparently blames him.  Wow.  As usual, she leaves me speechless.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

More good news, my son is planning to go to church in the morning with the friend I mentioned.  I'm so happy for the both of them.  It's not the church I go to, but frankly, I'm happy for him to have a relationship with God in any form.  That's another blessing.  It's even encouraged me to get back to Mass myself.  I haven't been in ages.  Things have been in such turmoil.  The very thought of being in church and just resting in the presence of God is one of the most relaxing things I can think of.  He's seen us this far and I can only believe that He'll continue on. 

He's Home

So, my son is home from jail.  He went to court yesterday and fortunately the judge was a great guy who seems more interested in helping than in just throwing the book at people.  He has over $300 in fines and court costs and one year of probation.  Also, the charge was reduced from theft down to a lesser charge and can even be expunged in a year if he stays out of trouble.

I'm glad to have him home.  The house was empty and quiet with him gone.  I'll admit, there was a certain peace that we haven't had for years with him gone.  There was no coming and going at odd hours, no quietly whispered phone calls, no moodiness, no suspicion, etc.  You get the picture.

At the same time, however, there wasn't as much energy, laughter, commotion and lots of other positive things.  I love my son.  He's a good time.  We laugh together and talk together and just enjoy each other.  We always have and I missed that a lot.

Last night he thanked me for leaving him in jail.  He said it seriously is what he needed.  He'd often said that he needed to go to jail and I thought he was nuts.  He said he didn't really know the reality of it and he says it's nowhere he ever wants to go again.  I hope that's enough.  He knows that if he gets into legal trouble of any kind he'll head back to jail and do six months, no questions asked.

Of course I'm scared.  I do think he seems older, more serious and more adult.  That's been a problem before that he wasn't those things.  He hasn't wanted to take responsibility for himself.  He hasn't been able to get any kind of decent job due to drug use.  There've just been a lot of headaches that didn't need to be.  I'm happy to see his change in attitude, but I'm also apprehensive.  After years of torture and hell, it is hard to believe sometimes.

Still, somehow it feels like God has been in the midst of this situation the whole time so I'm moving forward in trust and hoping that this is the time that sobriety begins.  

Ups and Downs

Well, there've been lots of ups and downs since my last post.  Of course, that's par for the course with addiction in general.  By the time you throw in jail, it's just a wild ride.  Probably not one I'd get in line for again.  :)

For some reason I've just been kind of down today.  My son called from jail this morning and he's feeling a bit down too.  That probably impacted me as well.  Mostly I'm just worn out and have too much to do here at home too.

It's not all bad news though.  My son was having problems with some people in jail that decided he'd "snitched" on them for smoking pot.  That scared the hell out of me, of course.  Fortunately he's been moved to another area away from them.  That makes me think highly of the corrections officers there.  I've been worried how he was being treated and I'm glad they're alert enough and kind enough to watch out for his safety.  The same should be true for anyone.  Just because you're incarcerated, you shouldn't be in danger.

Of course we're both a bit concerned about Thursday when he goes back to court.  Wondering what will happen.  Will he get out?  Will he get sentenced to more time?  I'm just leaving it all in God's hands and trusting that whatever happens is what is meant to be for his best.

Yesterday was a good day.  I got to talk to him for about 20 minutes and it was really positive.  In spite of being in jail being difficult, it seems like he's realizing so many things and I sense a real change in his attitude.  I heartily hope this is the beginning of big changed.  Please God.

No matter what happens, like all of you, I'm sure, I love my son to death and only want the best for him.  I miss him so bad.  In spite of all the bullshit, he's so fun and has such a great sense of humor.  We just have a ball together.  Everywhere I go in town reminds me of good times we've had there and nothing seems as bright or as fun without him.  Here's to hoping for better days ahead and that he'll soon be home and off this shit for good.  That's my dearest wish.  In fact, that's my wish for any parent and kid in this situation.  Better days ahead for all of us.

Stay the Course

Well, as has happened so many times before, what seems to be progress is followed by disaster.  In spite of my good mood this morning, all it took to dash it was a phone call from jail.  It turns out he's in some kind of trouble.  Now one or more other inmates suspect him of telling on them.  I don't know serious this is or how seriously I should take it.  We couldn't really exchange details because the phone calls are recorded.

I wish I'd have had enough sense to say "What are you accused of doing?"  Instead I simply wanted to ask "What did you do?" and knew that wasn't feasible.  From what I could gather it involved smoking pot during their limited time outdoors.  Sighhhhhhh.  He was told no phone calls and no commissary for 10 days.  Still, he was allowed out this morning to call.  He said he wasn't going to tell it but knew that I'd be frantic if all contact suddenly stopped without explanation.

All day I've been depressed and worried.  I've even considered bailing him out after all.  My dad even offered the money and one sister said she'd go bail him out except she didn't want me to kill her.  lol.  I'm so blessed to have such a great family.  They're so supportive and want this misery to end as much as I do.  The problem is, we simply can't understand the mind of an addict and what we would do to help is probably, in the long run, a detriment to him.  It goes against all of our instincts to leave him there, but I truly believe it's best.

Through all of this agony I turn to God more and more.  I felt that God was telling me today to stay the course and ride out the storm.  It's so hard that it's almost impossible.  Almost, but not quite.  I'm scared to leave him there and scared to get him out.  The thing is, you can still move ahead even when afraid.

In looking through my "Codependent No More" book I found a handout that that they gave us when he was in rehab.  It told several things to do and not do for the addict.  One of them was allowing the addict to suffer the full consequences of his or her actions, so that's what I'm doing.  My husband and I both feel it's the best course.  I can only hope we're right.  It's foreign to me because I want to/feel compelled to swoop in and save him from himself.  But if I do that, who's going to save me?  It's something to think about.

A Poem By Heroin About Heroin

I kept searching the Internet until I found the poem.  I'd love to give proper credit to the author, but all it says on the one I found is "by D.K."  Be warned, if you're the parent of an addict, you'll probably cry when you read this simply because of the truth of the words.  

 

 MR. AND MRS. HEROIN

 

I DESTROY HOMES, I TEAR FAMILIES APART.
I TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND THAT’S JUST A START.
MORE VALUED THAN DIAMONDS, MORE PRECIOUS THAN GOLD
THE SORROW I BRING IS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD.

 

IF YOU NEED ME REMEMBER I’M EASILY FOUND.
I LIVE ALL AROUND YOU; IN SCHOOL AND IN TOWN.
I LIVE WITH THE RICH, I LIVE WITH THE POOR,
I LIVE DOWN THE STREET AND MAYBE NEXT DOOR.

 

I’M SAFE IN YOUR POCKET, OR IN YOUR SYRINGE.
WHEN EVER I’M MENTIONED, PEOPLE WILL CRINGE.
I HAVE MANY NAMES. THEY CHANGE NOW AND THEN.
BUT I’M SURE YOU’VE HEARD OF ME, I’M HEROIN.

 

MY POWER IS AWESOME. TRY ME, YOU’LL SEE.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU MAY NEVER BREAK FREE.
TRY ME JUST ONCE AND I MIGHT LET YOU GO,
BUT TRY ME TWICE, AND I’LL OWN YOUR SOUL.

 

WHEN I POSSESS YOU, YOU’LL STEAL AND YOU’LL LIE.
YOU’LL DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO JUST TO GET HIGH.
THE CRIMES YOU COMMIT FOR MY NARCOTIC CHARMS
WILL BE WORTH THE PLEASURES YOU FEEL IN MY ARMS.

 

YOU’LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER; YOU’LL STEAL FROM YOUR DAD.
WHEN YOU SEE THEIR TEARS, IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SAD.
JUST FORGET YOUR MORALS AND HOW YOU WERE RAISED.
I’LL BE YOUR CONSCIENCE. I’LL TEACH YOU MY WAYS.

 

I TAKE KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS; I TAKE PARENTS FROM KIDS.
I TURN PEOPLE FROM GOD, I HIDE IN OLD RIGS.
I’LL TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YOU, YOUR LOOKS AND PRIDE.
I’LL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS; RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE.

 

YOU’LL GIVE UP EVERYTHING, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR HOME,
YOU’RE MONEY, YOUR TRUE FRIEND, AND YOU’LL BE ALONE.
I’LL TAKE AND TAKE ‘TIL YOU HAVE NO MORE TO GIVE.
WHEN I’M FINISHED WITH YOU, YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO LIVE.

 

IF YOU TRY ME, BE WARNED, THIS IS NOT A GAME.
IF I’M GIVEN THE CHANCE, I’LL DRIVE YOU INSANE.
I’LL RAVAGE YOUR BODY; I’LL CONTROL YOUR MIND.
I’LL OWN YOU COMPLETELY; YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.

 

THE NIGHTMARES I’LL GIVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE LYING IN BED.
AND THE VOICES YOU’LL HEAR FROM INSIDE YOUR HEAD.
THE SWEATS, THE SHAKES, AND THE VISIONS YOU’LL SEE.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THESE ARE ALL GIFTS FROM ME.

 

BY THEN IT’S TOO LATE, AND YOU’LL KNOW IN YOUR HEART
THAT YOU ARE NOW MINE AND WE’LL NEVER PART.
YOU’LL REGRET THAT YOU TRIED ME (THEY ALWAYS DO)
BUT YOU CAME TO ME, NOT I TO YOU.

 

YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN, MANY TIMES YOU WERE TOLD.
BUT YOU CHALLENGED MY POWER, YOU CHOSE TO BE BOLD.
YOU COULD HAVE SAID NO, AND THEN WALKED AWAY.
IF YOU COULD LIVE THAT DAY OVER, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?

 

MY POWER IS AWESOME, AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
I CAN TAKE YOUR LIFE, MAKE IT SO DIM AND SORE.
I’LL BE YOUR MASTER AND YOU’LL BE MY SLAVE.
I’LL EVEN BE WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO TO YOUR GRAVE.

 

NOW THAT YOU’VE MET ME, WHAT WILL YOU DO?
WILL YOU TRY ME OR NOT? IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.
I CAN SHOW YOU MORE MISERY THEN WORDS CAN TELL.
COME TAKE MY HAND, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.

 

written by D.K.

The Sun Is Shining

As usual, I'm a bit nervous this morning, but I think maybe that goes with the territory at this point.  Still, I feel much more positive today than I have on other days.  At this point, I'm grateful for every moment of peace I get.

My son called from jail last night and I was honestly struck by the fact that he's handling this experience with grace, dignity and a good attitude.  Despite the fact that someone managed to steal $20 worth of phone cards from him, his spirits were good and he seems to be doing a lot of thinking.  Something that has to be much easier off of the heroin. Yesterday was five days off.

It struck me that he's not begging me to get him out.  He's not crying.  He's not blaming anyone else.  He is totally accepting of what's happening.  For some reason I think he may be relieved to be there in a way, because I know he feels like shit for succumbing to the lure of heroin when he's out.  Being in jail takes away the opportunity to do it and relieves him of making the decision to do it every day when he wants to stop.

I do truly believe that he hates being addicted.  I believe that he hates himself for wanting to quit and not being able to.  I have addictions of my own that make me feel that way, but mine are food and cigarettes.  I know how I feel at not being able to get control of those things.

 I've always been proud of my son in spite of this problem and I still am.  Obviously there are horrible things about our situation, but my son is a good-hearted, kind, smart, outgoing guy and I love him to death.  I'm so happy to get a glimpse of the real him again.  We've always been so close and I miss him when he's in the grip of heroin. 

He read me part of a poem last night.  When he gets out and I get a copy, I'll post it here.  It was written by someone else and I'm not sure where he got a it.  I didn't have a chance to ask.  It was so eerily true, however.  It was worded as if it were written by heroin itself and told of the destruction it causes and what it reduces the user to.  He was too emotional to read it all but said it's making him think hard.  Lines of it still stick in my head. 

At any rate, the sun is shining, all is as well as it can be at the moment and I'm going to enjoy my day.