Well, there've been lots of ups and downs since my last post. Of course, that's par for the course with addiction in general. By the time you throw in jail, it's just a wild ride. Probably not one I'd get in line for again. :)
For some reason I've just been kind of down today. My son called from jail this morning and he's feeling a bit down too. That probably impacted me as well. Mostly I'm just worn out and have too much to do here at home too.
It's not all bad news though. My son was having problems with some people in jail that decided he'd "snitched" on them for smoking pot. That scared the hell out of me, of course. Fortunately he's been moved to another area away from them. That makes me think highly of the corrections officers there. I've been worried how he was being treated and I'm glad they're alert enough and kind enough to watch out for his safety. The same should be true for anyone. Just because you're incarcerated, you shouldn't be in danger.
Of course we're both a bit concerned about Thursday when he goes back to court. Wondering what will happen. Will he get out? Will he get sentenced to more time? I'm just leaving it all in God's hands and trusting that whatever happens is what is meant to be for his best.
Yesterday was a good day. I got to talk to him for about 20 minutes and it was really positive. In spite of being in jail being difficult, it seems like he's realizing so many things and I sense a real change in his attitude. I heartily hope this is the beginning of big changed. Please God.
No matter what happens, like all of you, I'm sure, I love my son to death and only want the best for him. I miss him so bad. In spite of all the bullshit, he's so fun and has such a great sense of humor. We just have a ball together. Everywhere I go in town reminds me of good times we've had there and nothing seems as bright or as fun without him. Here's to hoping for better days ahead and that he'll soon be home and off this shit for good. That's my dearest wish. In fact, that's my wish for any parent and kid in this situation. Better days ahead for all of us.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Stay the Course
Well, as has happened so many times before, what seems to be progress is followed by disaster. In spite of my good mood this morning, all it took to dash it was a phone call from jail. It turns out he's in some kind of trouble. Now one or more other inmates suspect him of telling on them. I don't know serious this is or how seriously I should take it. We couldn't really exchange details because the phone calls are recorded.
I wish I'd have had enough sense to say "What are you accused of doing?" Instead I simply wanted to ask "What did you do?" and knew that wasn't feasible. From what I could gather it involved smoking pot during their limited time outdoors. Sighhhhhhh. He was told no phone calls and no commissary for 10 days. Still, he was allowed out this morning to call. He said he wasn't going to tell it but knew that I'd be frantic if all contact suddenly stopped without explanation.
All day I've been depressed and worried. I've even considered bailing him out after all. My dad even offered the money and one sister said she'd go bail him out except she didn't want me to kill her. lol. I'm so blessed to have such a great family. They're so supportive and want this misery to end as much as I do. The problem is, we simply can't understand the mind of an addict and what we would do to help is probably, in the long run, a detriment to him. It goes against all of our instincts to leave him there, but I truly believe it's best.
Through all of this agony I turn to God more and more. I felt that God was telling me today to stay the course and ride out the storm. It's so hard that it's almost impossible. Almost, but not quite. I'm scared to leave him there and scared to get him out. The thing is, you can still move ahead even when afraid.
In looking through my "Codependent No More" book I found a handout that that they gave us when he was in rehab. It told several things to do and not do for the addict. One of them was allowing the addict to suffer the full consequences of his or her actions, so that's what I'm doing. My husband and I both feel it's the best course. I can only hope we're right. It's foreign to me because I want to/feel compelled to swoop in and save him from himself. But if I do that, who's going to save me? It's something to think about.
I wish I'd have had enough sense to say "What are you accused of doing?" Instead I simply wanted to ask "What did you do?" and knew that wasn't feasible. From what I could gather it involved smoking pot during their limited time outdoors. Sighhhhhhh. He was told no phone calls and no commissary for 10 days. Still, he was allowed out this morning to call. He said he wasn't going to tell it but knew that I'd be frantic if all contact suddenly stopped without explanation.
All day I've been depressed and worried. I've even considered bailing him out after all. My dad even offered the money and one sister said she'd go bail him out except she didn't want me to kill her. lol. I'm so blessed to have such a great family. They're so supportive and want this misery to end as much as I do. The problem is, we simply can't understand the mind of an addict and what we would do to help is probably, in the long run, a detriment to him. It goes against all of our instincts to leave him there, but I truly believe it's best.
Through all of this agony I turn to God more and more. I felt that God was telling me today to stay the course and ride out the storm. It's so hard that it's almost impossible. Almost, but not quite. I'm scared to leave him there and scared to get him out. The thing is, you can still move ahead even when afraid.
In looking through my "Codependent No More" book I found a handout that that they gave us when he was in rehab. It told several things to do and not do for the addict. One of them was allowing the addict to suffer the full consequences of his or her actions, so that's what I'm doing. My husband and I both feel it's the best course. I can only hope we're right. It's foreign to me because I want to/feel compelled to swoop in and save him from himself. But if I do that, who's going to save me? It's something to think about.
A Poem By Heroin About Heroin
I kept searching the Internet until I found the poem. I'd love to give proper credit to the author, but all it says on the one I found is "by D.K." Be warned, if you're the parent of an addict, you'll probably cry when you read this simply because of the truth of the words.
I DESTROY HOMES, I TEAR FAMILIES APART.
IF YOU NEED ME REMEMBER I’M EASILY FOUND.
I’M SAFE IN YOUR POCKET, OR IN YOUR SYRINGE.
MY POWER IS AWESOME. TRY ME, YOU’LL SEE.
WHEN I POSSESS YOU, YOU’LL STEAL AND YOU’LL LIE.
YOU’LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER; YOU’LL STEAL FROM YOUR DAD.
I TAKE KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS; I TAKE PARENTS FROM KIDS.
YOU’LL GIVE UP EVERYTHING, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR HOME,
IF YOU TRY ME, BE WARNED, THIS IS NOT A GAME.
THE NIGHTMARES I’LL GIVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE LYING IN BED.
BY THEN IT’S TOO LATE, AND YOU’LL KNOW IN YOUR HEART
YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN, MANY TIMES YOU WERE TOLD.
MY POWER IS AWESOME, AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
NOW THAT YOU’VE MET ME, WHAT WILL YOU DO?
MR. AND MRS. HEROIN
I DESTROY HOMES, I TEAR FAMILIES APART.
I TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND THAT’S JUST A START.
MORE VALUED THAN DIAMONDS, MORE PRECIOUS THAN GOLD
THE SORROW I BRING IS A SIGHT TO BEHOLD.
IF YOU NEED ME REMEMBER I’M EASILY FOUND.
I LIVE ALL AROUND YOU; IN SCHOOL AND IN TOWN.
I LIVE WITH THE RICH, I LIVE WITH THE POOR,
I LIVE DOWN THE STREET AND MAYBE NEXT DOOR.
I’M SAFE IN YOUR POCKET, OR IN YOUR SYRINGE.
WHEN EVER I’M MENTIONED, PEOPLE WILL CRINGE.
I HAVE MANY NAMES. THEY CHANGE NOW AND THEN.
BUT I’M SURE YOU’VE HEARD OF ME, I’M HEROIN.
MY POWER IS AWESOME. TRY ME, YOU’LL SEE.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU MAY NEVER BREAK FREE.
TRY ME JUST ONCE AND I MIGHT LET YOU GO,
BUT TRY ME TWICE, AND I’LL OWN YOUR SOUL.
WHEN I POSSESS YOU, YOU’LL STEAL AND YOU’LL LIE.
YOU’LL DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO JUST TO GET HIGH.
THE CRIMES YOU COMMIT FOR MY NARCOTIC CHARMS
WILL BE WORTH THE PLEASURES YOU FEEL IN MY ARMS.
YOU’LL LIE TO YOUR MOTHER; YOU’LL STEAL FROM YOUR DAD.
WHEN YOU SEE THEIR TEARS, IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SAD.
JUST FORGET YOUR MORALS AND HOW YOU WERE RAISED.
I’LL BE YOUR CONSCIENCE. I’LL TEACH YOU MY WAYS.
I TAKE KIDS FROM THEIR PARENTS; I TAKE PARENTS FROM KIDS.
I TURN PEOPLE FROM GOD, I HIDE IN OLD RIGS.
I’LL TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YOU, YOUR LOOKS AND PRIDE.
I’LL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS; RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE.
YOU’LL GIVE UP EVERYTHING, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR HOME,
YOU’RE MONEY, YOUR TRUE FRIEND, AND YOU’LL BE ALONE.
I’LL TAKE AND TAKE ‘TIL YOU HAVE NO MORE TO GIVE.
WHEN I’M FINISHED WITH YOU, YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO LIVE.
IF YOU TRY ME, BE WARNED, THIS IS NOT A GAME.
IF I’M GIVEN THE CHANCE, I’LL DRIVE YOU INSANE.
I’LL RAVAGE YOUR BODY; I’LL CONTROL YOUR MIND.
I’LL OWN YOU COMPLETELY; YOUR SOUL WILL BE MINE.
THE NIGHTMARES I’LL GIVE YOU WHEN YOU’RE LYING IN BED.
AND THE VOICES YOU’LL HEAR FROM INSIDE YOUR HEAD.
THE SWEATS, THE SHAKES, AND THE VISIONS YOU’LL SEE.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THESE ARE ALL GIFTS FROM ME.
BY THEN IT’S TOO LATE, AND YOU’LL KNOW IN YOUR HEART
THAT YOU ARE NOW MINE AND WE’LL NEVER PART.
YOU’LL REGRET THAT YOU TRIED ME (THEY ALWAYS DO)
BUT YOU CAME TO ME, NOT I TO YOU.
YOU KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN, MANY TIMES YOU WERE TOLD.
BUT YOU CHALLENGED MY POWER, YOU CHOSE TO BE BOLD.
YOU COULD HAVE SAID NO, AND THEN WALKED AWAY.
IF YOU COULD LIVE THAT DAY OVER, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
MY POWER IS AWESOME, AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE.
I CAN TAKE YOUR LIFE, MAKE IT SO DIM AND SORE.
I’LL BE YOUR MASTER AND YOU’LL BE MY SLAVE.
I’LL EVEN BE WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO TO YOUR GRAVE.
NOW THAT YOU’VE MET ME, WHAT WILL YOU DO?
WILL YOU TRY ME OR NOT? IT’S ALL UP TO YOU.
I CAN SHOW YOU MORE MISERY THEN WORDS CAN TELL.
COME TAKE MY HAND, LET ME LEAD YOU TO HELL.
written by D.K.
The Sun Is Shining
As usual, I'm a bit nervous this morning, but I think maybe that goes with the territory at this point. Still, I feel much more positive today than I have on other days. At this point, I'm grateful for every moment of peace I get.
My son called from jail last night and I was honestly struck by the fact that he's handling this experience with grace, dignity and a good attitude. Despite the fact that someone managed to steal $20 worth of phone cards from him, his spirits were good and he seems to be doing a lot of thinking. Something that has to be much easier off of the heroin. Yesterday was five days off.
It struck me that he's not begging me to get him out. He's not crying. He's not blaming anyone else. He is totally accepting of what's happening. For some reason I think he may be relieved to be there in a way, because I know he feels like shit for succumbing to the lure of heroin when he's out. Being in jail takes away the opportunity to do it and relieves him of making the decision to do it every day when he wants to stop.
I do truly believe that he hates being addicted. I believe that he hates himself for wanting to quit and not being able to. I have addictions of my own that make me feel that way, but mine are food and cigarettes. I know how I feel at not being able to get control of those things.
I've always been proud of my son in spite of this problem and I still am. Obviously there are horrible things about our situation, but my son is a good-hearted, kind, smart, outgoing guy and I love him to death. I'm so happy to get a glimpse of the real him again. We've always been so close and I miss him when he's in the grip of heroin.
He read me part of a poem last night. When he gets out and I get a copy, I'll post it here. It was written by someone else and I'm not sure where he got a it. I didn't have a chance to ask. It was so eerily true, however. It was worded as if it were written by heroin itself and told of the destruction it causes and what it reduces the user to. He was too emotional to read it all but said it's making him think hard. Lines of it still stick in my head.
At any rate, the sun is shining, all is as well as it can be at the moment and I'm going to enjoy my day.
My son called from jail last night and I was honestly struck by the fact that he's handling this experience with grace, dignity and a good attitude. Despite the fact that someone managed to steal $20 worth of phone cards from him, his spirits were good and he seems to be doing a lot of thinking. Something that has to be much easier off of the heroin. Yesterday was five days off.
It struck me that he's not begging me to get him out. He's not crying. He's not blaming anyone else. He is totally accepting of what's happening. For some reason I think he may be relieved to be there in a way, because I know he feels like shit for succumbing to the lure of heroin when he's out. Being in jail takes away the opportunity to do it and relieves him of making the decision to do it every day when he wants to stop.
I do truly believe that he hates being addicted. I believe that he hates himself for wanting to quit and not being able to. I have addictions of my own that make me feel that way, but mine are food and cigarettes. I know how I feel at not being able to get control of those things.
I've always been proud of my son in spite of this problem and I still am. Obviously there are horrible things about our situation, but my son is a good-hearted, kind, smart, outgoing guy and I love him to death. I'm so happy to get a glimpse of the real him again. We've always been so close and I miss him when he's in the grip of heroin.
He read me part of a poem last night. When he gets out and I get a copy, I'll post it here. It was written by someone else and I'm not sure where he got a it. I didn't have a chance to ask. It was so eerily true, however. It was worded as if it were written by heroin itself and told of the destruction it causes and what it reduces the user to. He was too emotional to read it all but said it's making him think hard. Lines of it still stick in my head.
At any rate, the sun is shining, all is as well as it can be at the moment and I'm going to enjoy my day.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Good Morning Heroin
Well, I've only been awake for a short while and already my thoughts have turned to heroin. Just like the addict, the first thing on my mind in the morning is heroin. Unlike the addict, I won't be leaving the house to get some. But the addict will.
The addict will get out of bed, probably earlier than they ever used to, throw on the closest thing they can find, clean or dirty, and leave the house without a shower, without brushing their teeth probably, get in their car, or someone else's car, and head out to buy and use heroin.
When you ask what they're doing or where they're going, you'll either get no answer or a lie. Chances are, the lie won't even be believable. It's just an excuse to get out of the door and to their precious drug, hopefully without raising your suspicions anymore than they already have.
I'm used to feeling sick with dread each morning because no matter how much I try to lie to myself, I know what's happening. Then I doubt myself. I think maybe I'm wrong. I don't want to confront just in case I'm wrong. I don't want to ignore it in case he overdoses. What I want more than anything is for life to be normal and even though it isn't, I sometimes pretend it is.
While he's gone, I get on with my own life usually. The problem is, what he's doing is still there at the back of my mind. Sometimes it's at the front. Sometimes it consumes me. Other times I try and pretend that it isn't happening. I don't know how the hell to handle this. How do you handle someone else's crazomess? Probably with your own measure of insanity.
Today, even though I don't have to worry about heroin technically because my son's still in jail, I'm still consumed with thoughts of heroin. I worry what will happen when he gets out. The chances are great he'll go right back to it. If he does, I'll probably have to throw him out of the house because I refuse to keep doing this. That thought fills me with a sense of dread at the idea of doing it and a sense of relief at the thought of not having this happening under my roof.
At this point, every day is the same. I open my eyes, my brain churns into gear and I say "Good morning heroin."
The addict will get out of bed, probably earlier than they ever used to, throw on the closest thing they can find, clean or dirty, and leave the house without a shower, without brushing their teeth probably, get in their car, or someone else's car, and head out to buy and use heroin.
When you ask what they're doing or where they're going, you'll either get no answer or a lie. Chances are, the lie won't even be believable. It's just an excuse to get out of the door and to their precious drug, hopefully without raising your suspicions anymore than they already have.
I'm used to feeling sick with dread each morning because no matter how much I try to lie to myself, I know what's happening. Then I doubt myself. I think maybe I'm wrong. I don't want to confront just in case I'm wrong. I don't want to ignore it in case he overdoses. What I want more than anything is for life to be normal and even though it isn't, I sometimes pretend it is.
While he's gone, I get on with my own life usually. The problem is, what he's doing is still there at the back of my mind. Sometimes it's at the front. Sometimes it consumes me. Other times I try and pretend that it isn't happening. I don't know how the hell to handle this. How do you handle someone else's crazomess? Probably with your own measure of insanity.
Today, even though I don't have to worry about heroin technically because my son's still in jail, I'm still consumed with thoughts of heroin. I worry what will happen when he gets out. The chances are great he'll go right back to it. If he does, I'll probably have to throw him out of the house because I refuse to keep doing this. That thought fills me with a sense of dread at the idea of doing it and a sense of relief at the thought of not having this happening under my roof.
At this point, every day is the same. I open my eyes, my brain churns into gear and I say "Good morning heroin."
Friday, October 25, 2013
Looking Up and Looking After Me
Well, in spite of my rocky start this morning, the day has turned out better than it started. For the moment, things are looking upI don't know about you, but I find that that happens fairly often. Is it just because I'm not a morning person, or is it just that I manage to get it together more and more as the day goes by, regain my strength and readjust my attitude? Hard to say. At any rate, I'm thankful.
It seems like one of the hardest things about loving an addict, especially when it's your child, is to continue to have a life of your own. It's so easy to find yourself completely consumed with another person's behavior. Welcome to codependency! :)
If you're not familiar with the writings of Melodie Beattie, I'd advise you to become familiar at your earliest convenience. She is the author of "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Take Care of Yourself," "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" and other helpful books along the same lines.
If you're not familiar with codependency, it's high time you learn. Here's a perfect summary of codependency from Wikipedia:
"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."
Sound like anyone you know? :)
I first became aware of codependency over 25 years ago when I was married to my son's dad who is an alcoholic. After being divorced from him from many years and out of the crazy lifestyle that accompanies being close to an addict or alcoholic, I thought I had it beat. Ha! Think again. Codependency is a lifelong condition of which we need to be aware.
One of the things I resent most about this whole situation is how easily I fall into a pattern of completely denying my own needs and doing everything I can for my son. It's ridiculous. He's 25. I'm 47. I deserve to have a life that doesn't involve cleaning up someone else's messes or obsessing over that person's drug use. I'm determined to have that now.
I'm diabetic. I have fibromyalgia. I'm in a lot of pain a lot of the time. My sugar's out of control. It's because I haven't been taking care of me. I need to plan meals and eat right but I'm not. I need to exercise every day. I'm not. There are lots of things I need to do for me I haven't done them. I want to turn that around now.
Whatever your situation is, I'd advise you to examine your behavior and see how you have given up your self and your life due to the behavior and addiction of another. Decide to take back control of your life even if it means letting the addict fall flat on his or her face.
This has been a hard week for me. Leaving my son in jail is difficult. Still, it's the right thing to do. It's time he sees that there are consequences. It's time he sees that Mom has a life and it's not all about him. I'm praying that it all brings him to a greater realization. Even if it doesn't, at least I can take comfort in knowing that I'm doing what is right for me at long last.
It seems like one of the hardest things about loving an addict, especially when it's your child, is to continue to have a life of your own. It's so easy to find yourself completely consumed with another person's behavior. Welcome to codependency! :)
If you're not familiar with the writings of Melodie Beattie, I'd advise you to become familiar at your earliest convenience. She is the author of "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Take Care of Yourself," "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" and other helpful books along the same lines.
If you're not familiar with codependency, it's high time you learn. Here's a perfect summary of codependency from Wikipedia:
"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."
Sound like anyone you know? :)
I first became aware of codependency over 25 years ago when I was married to my son's dad who is an alcoholic. After being divorced from him from many years and out of the crazy lifestyle that accompanies being close to an addict or alcoholic, I thought I had it beat. Ha! Think again. Codependency is a lifelong condition of which we need to be aware.
One of the things I resent most about this whole situation is how easily I fall into a pattern of completely denying my own needs and doing everything I can for my son. It's ridiculous. He's 25. I'm 47. I deserve to have a life that doesn't involve cleaning up someone else's messes or obsessing over that person's drug use. I'm determined to have that now.
I'm diabetic. I have fibromyalgia. I'm in a lot of pain a lot of the time. My sugar's out of control. It's because I haven't been taking care of me. I need to plan meals and eat right but I'm not. I need to exercise every day. I'm not. There are lots of things I need to do for me I haven't done them. I want to turn that around now.
Whatever your situation is, I'd advise you to examine your behavior and see how you have given up your self and your life due to the behavior and addiction of another. Decide to take back control of your life even if it means letting the addict fall flat on his or her face.
This has been a hard week for me. Leaving my son in jail is difficult. Still, it's the right thing to do. It's time he sees that there are consequences. It's time he sees that Mom has a life and it's not all about him. I'm praying that it all brings him to a greater realization. Even if it doesn't, at least I can take comfort in knowing that I'm doing what is right for me at long last.
My Heart Is Breaking
It's 8:16 a.m. and so far, this day isn't going very well. Today I'm a basket case. Today I just wish someone would hold me in their arms and promise that this is all going to be okay. I don't feel like it's going to be okay at all. I feel like my son is lost to me and I'm petrified that he's lost forever. I hate heroin so much that I don't even know how to express it.
This is so hard to write right now. Tears are rolling down my face and my heart is breaking. How do any of us parents live with this pain? How do we go on each day? How do we pretend that things are fine when inside we're dying inside just as surely as the addict is?
My son is in the county jail. He's been there since Monday night. He was picked up with his girlfriend for stealing at the local mall. They were stealing to get stuff to trade or sell for heroin. It's sickening.
While he's probably stolen before, I never really knew it for a fact. We've been fortunate really that none of our stuff has gone missing for this sick habit. And how sick is that? That I actually consider myself fortunate to not have had anything stolen? Shouldn't I have a right not to have my stuff stolen by my son?
The girlfriend, a girl I tend to think of in a string of descriptive expletives, it turns out is a very experienced thief. Go figure. My husband has always said that she's no good and not to be trusted. I agreed, but I've made her somewhat welcome out of love for my son. Wrong move.
I know my son makes his own choices, but I have to wonder if he'd have had the nerve to go to the mall and steal if it weren't for her.The other day she was here showing me her expensive purses and wallets and something just hit me that she was stealing them. It didn't even take 24 hours for the proof.
My husband and I told our son for years that if he got arrested that we would not bail him out. We haven't. I was never quite confident that I could stick with that, but I have quite easily. Not to say I haven't had any doubts, but each time I wonder if we should have bailed him out, I remind myself that if he were out, he'd immediately get his hands on heroin. With that thought in mind, he remains in his jail cell downtown and I sit here in my own prison as well.
This is so hard to write right now. Tears are rolling down my face and my heart is breaking. How do any of us parents live with this pain? How do we go on each day? How do we pretend that things are fine when inside we're dying inside just as surely as the addict is?
My son is in the county jail. He's been there since Monday night. He was picked up with his girlfriend for stealing at the local mall. They were stealing to get stuff to trade or sell for heroin. It's sickening.
While he's probably stolen before, I never really knew it for a fact. We've been fortunate really that none of our stuff has gone missing for this sick habit. And how sick is that? That I actually consider myself fortunate to not have had anything stolen? Shouldn't I have a right not to have my stuff stolen by my son?
The girlfriend, a girl I tend to think of in a string of descriptive expletives, it turns out is a very experienced thief. Go figure. My husband has always said that she's no good and not to be trusted. I agreed, but I've made her somewhat welcome out of love for my son. Wrong move.
I know my son makes his own choices, but I have to wonder if he'd have had the nerve to go to the mall and steal if it weren't for her.The other day she was here showing me her expensive purses and wallets and something just hit me that she was stealing them. It didn't even take 24 hours for the proof.
My husband and I told our son for years that if he got arrested that we would not bail him out. We haven't. I was never quite confident that I could stick with that, but I have quite easily. Not to say I haven't had any doubts, but each time I wonder if we should have bailed him out, I remind myself that if he were out, he'd immediately get his hands on heroin. With that thought in mind, he remains in his jail cell downtown and I sit here in my own prison as well.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Heroin's Hold on My Life
I have a problem with heroin. It's ruling my life. I've spent a fortune on it. I think about it night and day. I've sobbed my heart out over it. I know more about it than I ever wanted to know. I desperately want it out of my life, but it won't go. It's the ugliest thing ever and I wish I'd never heard of it. I desperately wish it didn't exist. I feel that I'll lose my mind if I don't break it's five-year grip on me now. This minute.
Am I a heroin addict? Nope. Never used it in my life. Never laid eyes on it. Unfortunately, my son is in its powerful grip. It's ruining his life and his addiction is ruining mine. It's stolen my peace, my sanity, my trust, my faith, my heart, my hope, my dignity and just about everything else. If you love a heroin addict, you know what I mean. If you don't know, keep reading. I'll explain it all in a way that you can't fail to understand.
Am I a heroin addict? Nope. Never used it in my life. Never laid eyes on it. Unfortunately, my son is in its powerful grip. It's ruining his life and his addiction is ruining mine. It's stolen my peace, my sanity, my trust, my faith, my heart, my hope, my dignity and just about everything else. If you love a heroin addict, you know what I mean. If you don't know, keep reading. I'll explain it all in a way that you can't fail to understand.
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