Well, in spite of my rocky start this morning, the day has turned out better than it started. For the moment, things are looking upI don't know about you, but I find that that happens fairly often. Is it just because I'm not a morning person, or is it just that I manage to get it together more and more as the day goes by, regain my strength and readjust my attitude? Hard to say. At any rate, I'm thankful.
It seems like one of the hardest things about loving an addict, especially when it's your child, is to continue to have a life of your own. It's so easy to find yourself completely consumed with another person's behavior. Welcome to codependency! :)
If you're not familiar with the writings of Melodie Beattie, I'd advise you to become familiar at your earliest convenience. She is the author of "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Take Care of Yourself," "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" and other helpful books along the same lines.
If you're not familiar with codependency, it's high time you learn. Here's a perfect summary of codependency from Wikipedia:
"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.
It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs,
while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.
Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family,
work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."
Sound like anyone you know? :)
I first became aware of codependency over 25 years ago when I was married to my son's dad who is an alcoholic. After being divorced from him from many years and out of the crazy lifestyle that accompanies being close to an addict or alcoholic, I thought I had it beat. Ha! Think again. Codependency is a lifelong condition of which we need to be aware.
One of the things I resent most about this whole situation is how easily I fall into a pattern of completely denying my own needs and doing everything I can for my son. It's ridiculous. He's 25. I'm 47. I deserve to have a life that doesn't involve cleaning up someone else's messes or obsessing over that person's drug use. I'm determined to have that now.
I'm diabetic. I have fibromyalgia. I'm in a lot of pain a lot of the time. My sugar's out of control. It's because I haven't been taking care of me. I need to plan meals and eat right but I'm not. I need to exercise every day. I'm not. There are lots of things I need to do for me I haven't done them. I want to turn that around now.
Whatever your situation is, I'd advise you to examine your behavior and see how you have given up your self and your life due to the behavior and addiction of another. Decide to take back control of your life even if it means letting the addict fall flat on his or her face.
This has been a hard week for me. Leaving my son in jail is difficult. Still, it's the right thing to do. It's time he sees that there are consequences. It's time he sees that Mom has a life and it's not all about him. I'm praying that it all brings him to a greater realization. Even if it doesn't, at least I can take comfort in knowing that I'm doing what is right for me at long last.
No comments:
Post a Comment