Stay the Course

Well, as has happened so many times before, what seems to be progress is followed by disaster.  In spite of my good mood this morning, all it took to dash it was a phone call from jail.  It turns out he's in some kind of trouble.  Now one or more other inmates suspect him of telling on them.  I don't know serious this is or how seriously I should take it.  We couldn't really exchange details because the phone calls are recorded.

I wish I'd have had enough sense to say "What are you accused of doing?"  Instead I simply wanted to ask "What did you do?" and knew that wasn't feasible.  From what I could gather it involved smoking pot during their limited time outdoors.  Sighhhhhhh.  He was told no phone calls and no commissary for 10 days.  Still, he was allowed out this morning to call.  He said he wasn't going to tell it but knew that I'd be frantic if all contact suddenly stopped without explanation.

All day I've been depressed and worried.  I've even considered bailing him out after all.  My dad even offered the money and one sister said she'd go bail him out except she didn't want me to kill her.  lol.  I'm so blessed to have such a great family.  They're so supportive and want this misery to end as much as I do.  The problem is, we simply can't understand the mind of an addict and what we would do to help is probably, in the long run, a detriment to him.  It goes against all of our instincts to leave him there, but I truly believe it's best.

Through all of this agony I turn to God more and more.  I felt that God was telling me today to stay the course and ride out the storm.  It's so hard that it's almost impossible.  Almost, but not quite.  I'm scared to leave him there and scared to get him out.  The thing is, you can still move ahead even when afraid.

In looking through my "Codependent No More" book I found a handout that that they gave us when he was in rehab.  It told several things to do and not do for the addict.  One of them was allowing the addict to suffer the full consequences of his or her actions, so that's what I'm doing.  My husband and I both feel it's the best course.  I can only hope we're right.  It's foreign to me because I want to/feel compelled to swoop in and save him from himself.  But if I do that, who's going to save me?  It's something to think about.