The Sun Is Shining

As usual, I'm a bit nervous this morning, but I think maybe that goes with the territory at this point.  Still, I feel much more positive today than I have on other days.  At this point, I'm grateful for every moment of peace I get.

My son called from jail last night and I was honestly struck by the fact that he's handling this experience with grace, dignity and a good attitude.  Despite the fact that someone managed to steal $20 worth of phone cards from him, his spirits were good and he seems to be doing a lot of thinking.  Something that has to be much easier off of the heroin. Yesterday was five days off.

It struck me that he's not begging me to get him out.  He's not crying.  He's not blaming anyone else.  He is totally accepting of what's happening.  For some reason I think he may be relieved to be there in a way, because I know he feels like shit for succumbing to the lure of heroin when he's out.  Being in jail takes away the opportunity to do it and relieves him of making the decision to do it every day when he wants to stop.

I do truly believe that he hates being addicted.  I believe that he hates himself for wanting to quit and not being able to.  I have addictions of my own that make me feel that way, but mine are food and cigarettes.  I know how I feel at not being able to get control of those things.

 I've always been proud of my son in spite of this problem and I still am.  Obviously there are horrible things about our situation, but my son is a good-hearted, kind, smart, outgoing guy and I love him to death.  I'm so happy to get a glimpse of the real him again.  We've always been so close and I miss him when he's in the grip of heroin. 

He read me part of a poem last night.  When he gets out and I get a copy, I'll post it here.  It was written by someone else and I'm not sure where he got a it.  I didn't have a chance to ask.  It was so eerily true, however.  It was worded as if it were written by heroin itself and told of the destruction it causes and what it reduces the user to.  He was too emotional to read it all but said it's making him think hard.  Lines of it still stick in my head. 

At any rate, the sun is shining, all is as well as it can be at the moment and I'm going to enjoy my day.