Good Morning Heroin

Well, I've only been awake for a short while and already my thoughts have turned to heroin.  Just like the addict, the first thing on my mind in the morning is heroin.  Unlike the addict, I won't be leaving the house to get some.  But the addict will.

The addict will get out of bed, probably earlier than they ever used to, throw on the closest thing they can find, clean or dirty, and leave the house without a shower, without brushing their teeth probably, get in their car, or someone else's car, and head out to buy and use heroin.

When you ask what they're doing or where they're going, you'll either get no answer or a lie.  Chances are, the lie won't even be believable.  It's just an excuse to get out of the door and to their precious drug, hopefully without raising your suspicions anymore than they already have.

I'm used to feeling sick with dread each morning because no matter how much I try to lie to myself, I know what's happening.  Then I doubt myself.  I think maybe I'm wrong.  I don't want to confront just in case I'm wrong.  I don't want to ignore it in case he overdoses.  What I want more than anything is for life to be normal and even though it isn't, I sometimes pretend it is.

While he's gone, I get on with my own life usually.  The problem is, what he's doing is still there at the back of my mind.  Sometimes it's at the front.  Sometimes it consumes me.  Other times I try and pretend that it isn't happening.  I don't know how the hell to handle this.  How do you handle someone else's crazomess?  Probably with your own measure of insanity.

Today, even though I don't have to worry about heroin technically because my son's still in jail, I'm still consumed with thoughts of heroin.  I worry what will happen when he gets out.  The chances are great he'll go right back to it.  If he does, I'll probably have to throw him out of the house because I refuse to keep doing this.  That thought fills me with a sense of dread at the idea of doing it and a sense of relief at the thought of not having this happening under my roof.

At this point, every day is the same.  I open my eyes, my brain churns into gear and I say "Good morning heroin."