I Know Your Pain

I'm getting ready for bed and was just thinking of all of the parents out there who are so deathly afraid for their kids tonight.  I want to say that I'm thinking of you and I know your pain, just as you know mine.  While things are going well here at the moment, it's been five years in the making.  And still, it's scary because the horrible past is still so close at hand. 

Like you, I doubt that anyone can know the pain of a parent who's child is addicted to heroin except another parent in that position.  I am appalled when I hear the statistics of kids who are in middle school and high school trying it and becoming addicted.  I wonder what kind of world we're living in when something like this even exists. 

I don't have any answers to any of it.  It's still hard to wrap my mind around.  To me, heroin was something that the Rolling Stones did.  I never thought it was something that was in my town or my neighborhood, much less my house.  It was supposed to be expensive and out of reach of the average person.  You know, though, and I know that that is not the reality.

Fortunately, in my community, it's getting a lot of attention.  There are feature stories in the newspaper and on the news.  The media here is trying to make parents aware.  I was totally blindsided by this.  I never even saw it coming.  I always worried about my son and imagined who knows what might befall him, but one thing that never crossed my mind was heroin.  It's still hard for me to even say the word sometimes.

I'll never forget the first time he told me he'd been doing it.  He told me he did it every few weeks, etc.  It was a lie, of course, but I didn't know the truth and I didn't understand like I understand now.  I'll never forget how sick I felt.  It was like someone had punched me in the stomach.  He just seemed so vulnerable.  I sat up half the night that night in the living room, not far from his bedroom door.  I was just so terrified and wanted to protect him.  It might have been five years ago, but in my memory, it's just like yesterday.

At any rate, everyone's path is different and how I've handled all of this is probably different than how you will.  On the other hand, I bet most parents of kids on heroin do a lot of the same things.  We're all groping through the dark, scared, hopeful, looking for answers and praying for miracles.  Tonight, I'm thinking of all of you.

So Many Changes

So many changes are happening at our house right now.  My son's been out of jail since Thursday.  It's hard in some ways because I feel that he's a bit traumatized by the whole experience.  Of course that makes me sad for him, but at the same time, it's like he's been changed by the experience and that's a good thing.

Tonight he reconnected with a good friend who's always tried to be there for him.  This boy never did heroin.  He's always been willing to be a friend to my son but would usually fade out of his life when he was in the midst of his worst times of addiction.  I'm really glad to see them back together.  More evidence of God's involvement in this situation: 

The friend was able to stop smoking pot about six weeks ago.  I know that he struggled with that and my son kind of felt that maybe he couldn't be around him because he's determined to be drug free.  So, it was a really nice thing when they talked on the phone tonight and found that neither of them wants to be involved in drugs in any way.  What a blessing!

I'm still wore out.  I'm hurting a lot physically because all of the stress in this situation has really aggravated my fibromyalgia.  Still, I'm just doing what I can as I can and probably need to learn from all of this to rest more and take better care of myself.  We're all learning new things here.

My son spoke via text message to the ex-girlfriend that he was with when he got arrested.  She's a real piece of work.  Once again, she was the one who was the experienced thief.  As many problems as I've felt my son has, she has more.  When I asked him if she expressed any sympathy or sorrow that he was stuck in jail for 11 days while she got bailed out that night, he said nope.  She apparently blames him.  Wow.  As usual, she leaves me speechless.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

More good news, my son is planning to go to church in the morning with the friend I mentioned.  I'm so happy for the both of them.  It's not the church I go to, but frankly, I'm happy for him to have a relationship with God in any form.  That's another blessing.  It's even encouraged me to get back to Mass myself.  I haven't been in ages.  Things have been in such turmoil.  The very thought of being in church and just resting in the presence of God is one of the most relaxing things I can think of.  He's seen us this far and I can only believe that He'll continue on. 

He's Home

So, my son is home from jail.  He went to court yesterday and fortunately the judge was a great guy who seems more interested in helping than in just throwing the book at people.  He has over $300 in fines and court costs and one year of probation.  Also, the charge was reduced from theft down to a lesser charge and can even be expunged in a year if he stays out of trouble.

I'm glad to have him home.  The house was empty and quiet with him gone.  I'll admit, there was a certain peace that we haven't had for years with him gone.  There was no coming and going at odd hours, no quietly whispered phone calls, no moodiness, no suspicion, etc.  You get the picture.

At the same time, however, there wasn't as much energy, laughter, commotion and lots of other positive things.  I love my son.  He's a good time.  We laugh together and talk together and just enjoy each other.  We always have and I missed that a lot.

Last night he thanked me for leaving him in jail.  He said it seriously is what he needed.  He'd often said that he needed to go to jail and I thought he was nuts.  He said he didn't really know the reality of it and he says it's nowhere he ever wants to go again.  I hope that's enough.  He knows that if he gets into legal trouble of any kind he'll head back to jail and do six months, no questions asked.

Of course I'm scared.  I do think he seems older, more serious and more adult.  That's been a problem before that he wasn't those things.  He hasn't wanted to take responsibility for himself.  He hasn't been able to get any kind of decent job due to drug use.  There've just been a lot of headaches that didn't need to be.  I'm happy to see his change in attitude, but I'm also apprehensive.  After years of torture and hell, it is hard to believe sometimes.

Still, somehow it feels like God has been in the midst of this situation the whole time so I'm moving forward in trust and hoping that this is the time that sobriety begins.